Every
individual has a personal space that needs to be known and
understood in effective communication and relationships between
people at a personal, business and social level. One way of
understanding this is through the ancient concept of “Yin” and
“Yang,” known as two polar categories, which though very different
are also interdependent and complimentary facets of our earthly
existence. “Yin” and “Yang” are necessary to each other in
communication and relationships, and the goal in this according to
Yin -Yang philosophers is the attainment of perfect balance between
the two polars.
In
today’s business communication and relationship management
“listening” to others and “assertion” of oneself are considered to
be the Yin and Yang factors. Building strong communication and
relationships, as experience shows us, involve both listening and
asserting for mutual benefits and delivering results. The Yin of
listening is understanding and acceptance of others, in different
situations. The Yang of assertion is the disclosure to another of
what YOU feel, need and desire in your interactions. To the degree
that if a person is lacking in either of the two elements his or her
maturity as a person (manager and communicator) is incomplete; and
to that extent his or her relationships can fall short of the
potential.
Deficiencies in listening abound in our society – particularly among
the Indian people! Similarly, quite a lot of assertiveness exists in
them, but professional and effective use of it in their
communication seems to be somewhat rare. It often tends to be more
of aggression, which encroaches and disturbs the “personal space” of
oneself, or the person one is addressing the communication to. The
“life space” concept is generally difficult to describe and
understand well. It extends beyond the (physical) body and is
surrounded by invisible boundaries (aura). And this is often
different for different people.
Improve
Your Listening
It is
well known that hearing and listening are two different things in
communication between people. Hearing is without understanding the
meaning of what is being said. Listening is what you hear
accurately. With listening you match meanings with understanding of
what the other person is saying, which includes words, as well as
tone, of voice, expression, and body language. This is also termed
as “reflective” listening. In the daily personal and workplace
interactions and relationships of people there are some guidelines
for reflective listening which if followed will make the
interactions and reflections much more effective and productive.
The
following guidelines, for instance, can help you become a better
listener:
-
Don’t
fake understanding. There will be time when as a listener you do
not understand what the other person is saying to you. You may be
daydreaming, or your thoughts may be on something else and more
important. Or the speaker may not be articulate enough and thus
not be able to state what he is saying very clearly. In such a
situation, you should not pretend you are listening and
understanding. It is important for you not to be a phony. You must
admit it if you are lost or not with the other person in what he
is saying, and then work to get back to being attentive and
listening carefully.
-
Don’t
say to the speaker “You know how he feels.” You really don’t know
it! It is untrue if you say so, and at best it is an approximation
of what he feels. No one can ever fully know what it is like to be
in another person’s shoes. Your goal should be to perceive the
other person’s experience fairly accurately, and reflect back
(respond) in an accepting way that even communicates nonverbally
that you understand, and are with him in what he is saying.
-
There
is generally no “right” response. Vary your responses. Your
response can be, and needs to be altered in reflecting the
understanding more naturally and credibly.
-
Focus
on peoples feelings. And choose the most accurate words to
respond. Learn to tune into the feelings of others as part of any
conversation or interaction. Emotions are always key for
successful communication, and reflecting the right degree of
feelings in your listening is vital to show that you are
listening. And with this the right words to back the emotions that
enhance your interaction.
-
Develop vocal empathy with others. That is, listen with your
heart, as well as your head. If the reflection on the other
person’s statement is made in cold, matter-of -fact tone the
person will seldom feel understood and wanted. This can be bad for
the relationship. Sometime even responsive sounds (in
acknowledgment) from you, by themselves can also demonstrate a
high level of listening and understanding of others. In other
words, one is referring to, tone and voice quality being
appropriate within the response.
Developing Your Assertiveness
Just as
there are specific skills that increase listening ability and
skills, so are there practical methods for developing assertiveness.
Today, in interactions and relationships – personal and official –
assertiveness has become extremely popular as a required
characteristic among professional people. One of the primary appeals
of assertion is its effectiveness in different situations. It is
extremely useful and applicable for a high degree of success in
dealing with others.
For you
assertiveness helps build in you a sense of self-worth – the extent
to which you assert yourself determines the level of your
self-esteem. Another benefit of assertion is that it fosters
fulfilling relationships by releasing positive energy in you towards
others. Assertion makes you more comfortable with yourself, and
therefore, others too find it more comfortable to be with you.
Assertive behaviour thus greatly reduces the fear and anxiety in
you, and leads you to live your own life!
Because
of some early conditioning, some people automatically behave
submissively. Others are habitually aggressive. Most people are
predictably submissive or aggressive at least in some specific
situations. The proper goal of assertion training and conscious
effort to imbibe the benefits of assertion is that it helps you
choose your behaviour effectively in your communication, and
behaving assertively in every situation.
Impacting for Your Success
Combining the skills of listening and assertiveness within the Yin
and Yang concept of effective communication is termed as “impacting”
on others. You make an impact on others by reaching out to people,
and establishing vital personal and working relationships. You also
influence institutions and society on a larger scale! Impacting,
therefore, provides you with constructive ways of meeting your
needs, exercising your abilities, utilizing your creativity, and
developing a powerful relationship of equals at every level.
Impacting is “self-actualizing” yourself – being involved in a cause
outside your skin, in something outside yourself. In other words
communicating to gain respect for your own self, and within
another’s, needs and rights -- or “space”.
The “Yin
and Yang” concept helps you to take charge of your life. It helps
you develop an inner power of choice of behaviour and actions in
listening and assertiveness, depending on the situation (occasion)
with the desired impact on people. Simply put, its all about how to
listen to others, how to assert yourself, and resolve conflicts and
build on relationships in your personal or workplace association
with others at all level. It’s all about your own “people skills”,
which is so vital for success in your personal and business life
today.
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